Bring The Pain
by Max Rasgar
Summary: Maura forces Jane to watch a little TV. -written for 'shortiepurk'-
1. Chapter 1: Pilot

Disclaimer: Me no own a damn thing and I'm cool with that.

A/N: This one-shot was prepared, powdered and fluffed for my 100th reviewer: shortiepurk. And out of all the things they could've requested they actually wanted my AU versions of J &amp; M from my trilogy. So here's another go round by request in Maura's POV.

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**_Bring The Pain_**

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"I would rather watch Bob Vila do 'This Old House' or that damn Honey Boo Boo shit or even that show with all the beards than Sex Sent Me To The E.R." Jane all but whines and its taking a lot of effort not to laugh yet. Since this experiment is strictly for my amusement. "Please Maura, I can't stand to watch those horrible re-enactors, it's so bad that I can't even make fun of it."

"What show are you referring to that has 'all the beards'?"

"I think it's called Duck Dynasty." Jane replies while making a face at what is playing out on the television screen. "They even have their own brand of wine. Want me to snag you a bottle?"

I turn up the volume slightly with the remote.

"That's not funny." Jane says loudly. "You can't just drown me out to the sounds of some stupid chick who was dumb enough to let her new husband take charge of the remote control to her vibrating panties in a grocery store of all places to want to get off!"

I must say that this is going splendidly but for optimum results I need to maintain my composure, which will be difficult. I agree with Jane that the actors featured are horrible but I also surmised that is the whole point of 'trashy TV.' This show peaked my interest only because I knew that its contents would bother Jane, and for me that was a worthwhile venture since my spouse loves to tease me at any given time. Reprisals are a part of life and a good-natured one aimed at the one I love most is harmless, but not painless because this is Jane that I'm speaking of.

I feel the sofa cushions move under me due to Jane shifting her weight dramatically, in a fashion that is reminiscent of a young child at the beginning of a tantrum. I can barely keep the smile off my face and the 'best of' portion of this episode is just seven minutes in.

"Oh my now there's a mystery." Jane says. "A lesbian comes in with stomach cramps only to find out that oops she's pregnant and didn't have the first damn clue. I hope her girlfriend was smart enough to figure out that she's been cheating on her with someone who likes to sow the seeds of love with their penis."

"She didn't cheat Jane." I say while adjusting the volume to sensible level. "If you had been paying closer attention you would've heard that her girlfriend was intersex, but didn't know she was capable of impregnating a woman since she had no visible testicles."

"A chick with a dick now there's something you don't see every day." Jane says thoughtfully but there is always that strong undercurrent of sarcasm in her wonderfully sexy voice.

A commercial break finally happens and Jane takes the opportunity to grab her wine off the coaster on the center table and she actually finishes the remains in one swallow. Normally she would have her feet up on it to annoy me but not tonight. Oddly she has done everything that I've wanted to do tonight, but then again it was all prearranged a few days ago. I find it only fair that between watching baseball with her and 80's rerun television shows, that she watch something of my choosing from time to time. However, tonight's selection wasn't chosen for my recreational enjoyment though. Jane should learn never to subject me to a television program about hoarders, so that she may laugh at my dismay.

"How did they know!" Jane exclaims. "That I've always wanted to make noodles out of a vegetable?"

I shift closer to the armrest and intently focus on not laughing. Jane would find a way to break that cooking apparatus so she wouldn't have to use it again, to make something she has absolutely no love for; pasta that is healthy, and not a full fat recipe.

"Oh goodie the show is back. Thank God, because I was just dying over here."

I shake my head and turn up the volume once. Playing aloof in this is key and I'm it finding rather fun.

"Okay, I get it Dr. Isles is conducting ethnic-rhino polygraph research."

I roll my eyes at Jane's deliberate mispronunciation of ethnographic research, which I did once in the form of watching some horrendous program called 'Jersey Shore.' I believe my silence is bothering Jane almost as much as the program. But right now while watching the latest reenactment I find it unusual that a hundred and ten pound woman would want sexual relations with a four hundred pound man. Just envisioning the ordeal seems physically dangerous for her and as it turned out it was.

"Talk about knocking a hole in the drywall." Jane says with a wry chuckle. "I wonder how that woman explained her concussion to her insurance. I hope she had insurance before she decided to bump pelvises with Jake and the Fatman."

I have to close my eyes and bite my lip to keep from laughing. I end up turning up the volume again.

"I'm going to snatch that remote out of your hand Maur if you do that again."

I ignore Jane's hollow threat and silently watch several more embarrassing scenarios transpire. I find myself wondering how bored these people must have gotten being intimate with their partner to behave in this way. Do they really not get any enjoyment out of how the act feels that they felt they had to resort to exhibitionism in most cases to achieve some level of satisfaction? Through my internal musing I notice that Jane has completely stilled her fidgeting and running commentary.

"Jane, you're awfully quiet for a change." I say while adjusting the volume down again with the remote. The show is almost over which means it's acceptable to break the protocols I set forth before I began my little reprisal experiment.

"Hmm, I just thought I would silently wait for the whole conjugal visit gone wrong scenario." Jane replies. "Picture it: Bondage prison style with shivs, shoelaces and soap on a rope."

"Two out of three of those items aren't issued to inmates in prison anymore Jane, and I believe the first one you mentioned is a do-it-yourself item."

"You just had to ruin it didn't you, your honorable smarty-pants." Jane says while she moves closer to me on the sofa. I accidently snort a little and sneak a glance at her but Jane doesn't notice because she's making a face at the television yet again.

"A three hour long orgasm, come on!"

"It's entirely possible Jane and extremely painful by the way, when considering how over worked her pubococcygeus muscle would have been at that stage."

"I don't care about her Pollyanna muscle Maura." Jane says with clear exasperation. "What is it with these people? I swear that the wheel is spinning but the hamster is dead."

This is far too enjoyable and I fear that when Jane knows the true intent behind my selection; well that could prove to be a very interesting interaction. I keep my eyes on the screen even as Jane shifts more on the sofa until her thigh is pressed against mine. I wonder if she's somewhat aroused by all these constant mentions of sex? Then the last reenactment showcases something that I couldn't have anticipated. I have to say of all the items a married heterosexual couple would choose to use in a sexual act that is unexpected.

"A carrot in the ass...really?"

I very nearly laugh at Jane's quip but thankfully I'm far too engrossed in discerning what kinds of rectal problems the woman's husband encountered when the carrot broke off during 'use' to notice Jane.

"Okay that's it, I'm done."

I turn my head to look at her fully for the first time since we sat down; she's suitably horrified, clearly irritated and I think she looks endearingly cute.

"Care to diagnose what's wrong with these people Dr. Isles?" Jane says as she stands up from the sofa. "Or would you rather haul them into court and give them some time. I'm sure that more than a few of them would love to be someone's bunk bitch in the joint."

I finally laugh at Jane as she most likely retreats to our bedroom, since its getting late and the both of us work tomorrow.

"I knew you were making me watch that shit so you could laugh at me." She shouts down from the stairs. "I should make you sleep on the sofa for that."

I chuckle to myself and shut off the television. There is no way Jane would ever follow through with that threat either. She enjoys all of our nocturnal activities far too much, as do I.

**_END_**

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**Soundtrack:****"Gossip Folks" &amp; "Can't Stop" by Missy Elliott**

**Final Words:****I was laugh-crying while writing this. I hadn't written these two in almost a year but damn if it wasn't like riding a bike. Hope this is kinda what you wanted and that it made you laugh too 'shortie.'**


	2. Chapter 2: Episode 2

Disclaimer: Must I? *sighs* I most certainly do not own the characters in this story, so suing isn't permitted. Hell, I couldn't even afford the rent if that were allowed.

A/N: Still from my AU-verse and even if you haven't read my stuff it shouldn't stop you from giving this a try. And although I did write this, the contents, phrases and opinions belong to the characters. *laughs* This 'colorful' second offering is all in Jane's POV and see that, you have been cautioned.

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**_Bring The Pain: Episode 2_**

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"What the fuck are we watching?" I exclaim only to be pinched in the side-hard-by my so called 'gentle and loving' spouse.

"Shh!"

"Oh right, like missing out on the dialogue in this scene will leave you lost."

Another damn pinch but on the arm this time renders me silent. I can hold my tongue when I want to or when I'm on the verge of looking like a bruised spouse. A sensual but not really, more like a sleaze-ball song plays on in the background of the scene on T.V. and I can't believe I've let her do this to me yet again. So far as I can remember I've done nothing to deserve this cruel and unusual punishment this time. I may have to watch a marathon of the 'Golden Girls' to cleanse myself; a good laugh can do that.

"I can't believe they show this shit on T.V." I say loudly because my patience is quickly being stripped away and it not like I have a whole hell of a lot to begin with. "And I don't care if they do proudly show stuff like this on skin-o-max and HBO."

"We don't subscribe to that first channel you mentioned to my knowledge and right now we are in fact watching Showtime."

"It's 'show-time' alright." I mutter as the actress on the show straddles the college kid's waist in her little skimpy piece of black lingerie. Then of course the woman pours wine down the okay-looking kid's pigeon chest and then starts licking it off.

"It's completely simulated Jane so I don't see why it's worth all this fuss." Maura says with what I dare say is mock innocent amusement. "The actress in this scene has stated the she was merely trying to branch out, be more creative. And she also said that she had planned on doing nudity at some point in her career."

If this is what's called being 'creative' then call me boring with a big scoop of plain Jane vanilla on the side and a cherry on top, but not really. I wonder how Maura would react if I just told her that if I'd wanted to watch nothing but mindless fucking I would rather watch porn.

"Simulated, huh?" I say while tilting my head to the side to change my viewing angle. "Yeah, I can see it now that's totally digital wine and a tongue too." Oh look she's kissing his helmet head. "Hey, I wonder if she will have simulated dick breath when she's done not really licking his tool."

I'm unceremoniously elbowed in my side, "Jane!"

"What? I was just thinking out loud. And let me tell you, I for one wouldn't want to be immortalized on a cable show on my hands and knees getting filled out like an application cause I can tell that's where things are headed in a minute." I reply while slouching down further on the sofa and propping my feet up on the coffee table. "And I really don't care if it's a 'character' she's playing because that's still her face and junk up there on screen and...Oh look how flattering. Damn, I wish I was her."

Maura snickers under her breath and for fucks sake why are we watching some show about make believe trashy people? I know teachers fuck their students when they can get away with it; it's not like this is a ground-breaking installment of 'awl shit really?' news.

"I mean what value does this really have?" I say while the woman on the screen is well on her way to being plowed into submission. "At least porn has enough integrity-if you could call it that-to be real about it and say this is only about...sex."

It took lots of restraint to not say 'only about fucking'. And ewww! The loose teacher chick's husband looks like a total creeper and now she's getting fucked from behind and what a view-not really. I don't ever want to see myself 'getting down and dirty' for this very reason because you look ridiculous, especially your face and that's a fact.

"You know I couldn't show my face in public again after showing the public that much of everything else." I say with a chuckle. "But I bet if that chick on T.V. became a shut-in; you know never set foot out of the house, she would have some kid bring her groceries to her backdoor."

Oh man I'm going straight to Hell. I can't keep from laughing at my own joke so I end up covering my mouth to see if my hand can hold it all in. I wonder if Maura has picked up on my dirty innuendos. I give it another three seconds to see if we have lift-off or not.

"Jane, I've known you long enough to understand what you none too subtly hinted at." Maura says and I look over at her and I see the faint smile curving up one side of her mouth. "And it would seem that the character is meant to be seen exactly as you described-having loose and somewhat deviant sexual morals."

My urge to laugh fades and I scoff, "Not to mention shit taste in men and boys too while we're on the subject."

"They are both consenting adults Jane even in this fabricated world we are watching." Maura says and I feel her press in closer to me on the sofa, and it's not like we were miles apart to start with. "What exactly is bothering you about this show besides the things you've already stated? It's a very popular show and is highly rated."

So many ways to answer that question but it would take more energy than its worth. Keeping it simple is more energy efficient. And I've never been much of a follower in terms of what the 'masses' flock to.

"It's just not my idea of entertainment." I reply as Maura shifts again next to me. The side of her boob is pressing right against my bicep. "I like funny stuff, action and well you know I watch baseball from time to time."

"I'm well aware of your unflinching loyalty to America's past-time." Maura says as she places her hand on my thigh. "And how you seem to be rather vocal about everything we watch on television."

Based on those little moves I'm willing to bet Maura thinks I've gotten all 'juiced up' because of that shit show but she's got the wrong girl. I don't acknowledge where her hand or boob is, instead I notice the show's credits roll and with it comes peace of mind knowing that I survived. I lean my head back against the sofa until my pony-tail band starts digging into my scalp.

"Do you think that actress bears any resemblance to me?"

"You mean the slutty teacher chick?"

"If that is how you're going to label her, then yes that's who I mean Jane."

"Label?" I say raising my head up a little.

"Yes, because you're apparent dislike for the character and how you identify her is quite negative."

"Oh don't sit there and try to tell me that watching her is...empowering or some such shit." I say with a sneer because 'no' just a big fat fucking 'no.' "And to answer your question she looks nothing like you, Maura."

Which is true in my opinion, I mean yeah they have similar bone structure or whatever but Maura looks a hell of a lot younger than the actress who apparently wanted to do...that.

"Are you saying that because you don't want to imagine me in a comparable scenario, Jane?"

I close my eyes and let loose a low growl while I let my head fall back against the sofa. I'm about to be pulled silently kicking and screaming into a highly DN-Rated conversation. DN meaning 'dirty-nerd'.

"Where did you get an idea like that?" I prompt while resting my eyes for a moment before tipping my head to the side to look at Maura. And by the look on her face I instantly know what's coming and I can't say I'm always ready for it, but it stopped being surprising a long time ago.

"Human female sexuality not so long ago was classified as being subordinate to male sexuality thus..." Maura starts in and her nerd speak has officially locked onto target-me.

Oh God, I can already tell this conversation is about to get weirder than that time we were watching the show 'Vikings' and Maura started talking about some great warrior who was a boneless dwarf.

"And in regards to the television show we just watched Jane, those simulated sexual acts boiled down to two things for me-a cuckold, which is derived from the cuckoo bird since it alludes to the habit of the female changing its mate often." Maura says in her soothing doctor voice as I like to call it. "While the term 'cuckold' itself is applied to the fetish; it means that his or her partner enjoys observing his wife's infidelity in the case of the professor's husband."

I start to speak but I'm more unwilling at this point than lost. First it's about a bird and then it's about over-sexed perverts but then it dawns on me that she's so not done yet.

"Furthermore, the psychology in regards to a cuckold fetish is widely seen as another form of masochism." Her earnest small smile suddenly reminds me of a guidance counselor even when she starts squeezing my thigh. "The pleasure from the cuckold is from being humiliated; most open marriages function if you will in that way. Also, I would say the character on that show is a cougar since she seeks sexual relations with considerably younger men. And I wouldn't hesitate to classify her behavior as over activity of the dopaminergic mesolimbic pathways in the brain; it accounts for all forms of addiction, and has been shown to manifest in some people in the form of overindulgent, hypersexual behavior."

I close my eyes for a second and exhale, "Is that all?"

Maura purses her lips, "The young man she was having intercourse with suffers from the 'Madonna-whore' complex." She adds and pats my thigh while I'm cringing from the word 'intercourse.'

"I know I'm going to regret this but, care to elaborate on the Material Girl thing?"

Maura chuckles, "Sigmund Freud theorized that the 'Madonna-whore' complex is said to occur when a male desires sexual encounters only with women to whom he sees as degraded, since he cannot sexually desire a respectable woman."

A moment of silence is required before I proceed. Shit! I should've 'tapped out' ages ago before Queen Googlemouth fully addressed her favorite subject.

"So let's see if I got all my ducks in a row; we watched a cuckoo bird inspired cuckoldry with a cougar and the reason the little shit's prick can only get excited around sluts is because he's a big ole' boy slut?"

Maura shakes her head and presses her lips together in a line, "Jane there is a term called 'slut-shaming' and you are skirting dangerously close to it."

"Oh please, its fictional sluts we're talking about."

My asscheeks are clenching the edge of the sofa even in my slouched state. And I swear Maura is all jolly-holiday next to me knowing that she's got me worked up enough to talk about what we just watched, plus as a bonus she got to play Dr. 'Let's Talk About Sex' Isles.

"Jane, you of course know that I had more than a few sexual partners before I met you." Maura says with not a hint of shame. "So by those facts alone would you have regarded me as a slut in the past?"

It's past time to put this conversation to bed and tuck it in with a goofy lullaby because I have no judgments against all of her over and done with choices. I've made more than my fair share of fuck-ups. But at least I've never cheated or any of those other things that a civilized person shouldn't be doing, especially when you know better.

"Of course not, but not to brag, I'll have you know I was a blushing virgin on our wedding night." I say with a healthy smirk because that's the biggest lie ever. Maura chuckles and moves her hand off my thigh. "I saved myself for you and I was ashamed to admit it until now."

Maura laughs and its one of those loud laughs of her's that makes me smile like an idiot. My first marriage was a joke for many reasons and laughing about it with her is healthy in my non-doctory opinion. Saying 'yes' to Casey all those years ago instead of listening to my instincts to 'Run Jane, Run!' is a bigger mistake than Maura's slightly higher 'body count' could ever be to me.

"You're so sweet and thank you for indulging me tonight, Jane."

"Any time."

You know I just realized that censorship has its merits because those last two words of mine caused a gleam in Maura's eyes and I don't mean the 'we're having nekkid time next' look.

"So thoughtful too." Maura says with a smile. "And since you said 'any time' how about we decide tomorrow night's T.V. options? We still have a few more episodes to finish off the season of the show we were watching and discussing."

Fuck. I feel like I should hold my ground and put up a fight but that shit just doesn't work in our relationship; Maura wears the proverbial pants, not me. Bargaining is the only real tool I have, that and compromise-compromise, but I'll only resort to that if I have to.

"Can we watch 'Sex Sent Me To The E.R.' again instead? Anything but that 'Shameless' show; I can't take it, because there is no way to get a refund on the time in my life that was wasted." I ask with a hopeful smile because I'm bluffing my ass off about wanting to watch the sexual morons show. "Or if you wanna lay off the sex stuff, how do you feel about 'Doctor Who' or reruns of 'Doctor Quinn: Medicine Woman'?"

Playing the doctor card might work even though I'm talking about unrealistic time traveling doctors and fictional Old West ones. The law card isn't worth whipping out because I can't watch another minute of 'Law &amp; Order', 'Criminal Minds' and everything else in that same damn vein. Marathoning 'Justified' is very tempting though.

"Jane?"

I swear knowing tone in her voice is maddening; the woman knows me too well. I pull my feet up off the coffee table, sit up straighter and turn to look my companion in the eyes. Maura's hazel eyes are narrowed and it's obvious after about five seconds of lingering silence she's not buying what I'm trying to sell.

"Alright fine." I say while throwing my hands up. "How about 'Downton Abbey' and I swear I won't make kissing noises while doing my smarmy British rogue accent or fall asleep halfway through it."

Damn it! I have so much fun entertaining myself by making fun of that show it wears me out. What keeps me awake sometimes is how Professor McGonagall is a spry Countess on that show.

"I accept the last offer of your plea bargain." Maura says with a playful smirk that I'm going to kiss off her face-right now.

**_END_**

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**Soundtrack: ****"Easy" by Faith No More**

**A/N 2:**** The running joke in all of my Rizzles stories is Maura's use of the word 'intercourse' and Jane's reaction; it just cracks me up in the worst way. So I hope this made you laugh because I sure as hell did.**


	3. Chapter 3: Episode 3

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters I'm using. This is for fun; like seeing how many licks it takes to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

A/N: Jane finally gets her 'revenge' on Maura for her T.V. viewing standards or does she? Btw, the Jane POV is on tap for ultimate (and probably borderline offensive) laughs.

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**_Bring The Pain: Episode 3_**

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I wonder if Maura recognized the 'Jaws' theme music before the plane's tail skimmed through those straight up fake cotton ball-looking clouds. Opening titles one and done at least Maura knows the name of the movie since I withheld that while I was wrangling her into watching this with me. I settle in and try to get as comfortable I can; meaning beer in hand. Maura on the other hand hasn't thrown perfect posture viewing out the window yet-it takes a while before she lets herself go.

'Listen Betty, don't start up with your white zone shit again.'

I chuckle at the movie and at Maura's slightly contorted face. I convinced her to watch this movie with me after dinner instead of her unloading some of her DVR'd shows on me. I take a quick swig of my beer and put it down on a coaster on the table. Honestly, I wasn't brought up in barn and I do actually have manners that aren't activated by someone giving me shit about my lack of.

"Why are they making sexual innuendos about unloading in zones? And what's funny about suggesting an abortion?"

I snigger and just leave Maur's questions unanswered because the movie is just getting started. Oh man, that sad sack of a taxi driver and his little stewardess romance makes me laugh and then want to vomit. But then again this whole damn movie causes laughter for the most part and never mind it was made before there was such a thing as 'politically correct'. God, I love the titles of the magazines that the airport carries in this movie. 'Dominant Females' and 'Box' cracks me up every time.

"Jane, what's 'whacking material'?"

"Really?" I say before I laugh so hard I fuckin' snort. "Okay, um...they're magazines that guys usually buy to masturbate to which I believe is the clinical term. There are several slang terms and 'whacking off' is just one of them."

Maura just smirks and turns her full attention back to the screen. I wonder if I should tell her some of the female versions like 'rub one out' or my person favorite 'jilling off'.

"Jane, they literally have mayonnaise and a beating heart at their Mayo clinic."

I figured the literal humor in this movie would either make Maura laugh or just force her to add her own brand of literal that would make me laugh even harder. I slap my leg and snort-laugh again at the 'give me ham and hold the mayo' line.

"A smoking boarding pass?" Maura says and just the sound of her voice all jumped up with how ridiculous this movie is making me all shiny happy people. "I don't understand how this is funny? Smoking in an oxygen rich environment like an airplane just isn't feasible no matter what decade it is."

Fuck me, I'm going to have a heart attack from laughter! My side is starting to hurt. I love fucking with Maura and truthfully her being so literal is what's so funny about her. I lean back in the sofa enough so I can pull my shirt out of its nice and proper tucked in look. I was too damn tired to change out of my work clothes. I figured I would make getting undressed a one-time deal today.

"This movie is tragically dated and the fashion in it is horrible." Maura says in that bored tone she gets sometimes and then after a couple of seconds she shifts on the sofa again. "Why are they putting subtitles opposite to what those African American men are saying?"

It's a good thing I put my beer down on the coffee table or I would be doing spit-takes all night. Maura so wouldn't like that shit all over her hundred percent organic or some such shit, expensive ass coffee table.

"This was the best that 1980 had to offer Maur and I'll have you know that it was voted one of the ten funniest movies ever made." I reply trying not to laugh through my explanation too much. "And the movie will tell you about the subtitles in time."

I love how that boarding pass is still smoking but they go and ruin it with that lame shit, lovey-dovey music. It's no wonder why everyone Striker sits beside wants to off themselves.

"Jane, that's not the way high risk medical patients are transported."

Shit, it's just eleven minutes into the movie and I don't know if I can go another eighty-minutes with Dr. Isles as my co-pilot. But I can manage because the entrance of Dr. Rumack-who walks around with his stethoscope in his ears and a speculum in hand-makes the whole movie what it is.

"I always thought that part was so gay." I say after the vomit inducing bullshit 1940's train station cheese dick goodbye couple exchange hugs at the bottom of the stairs to the plane. "And before you say anything I mean gay as in stupid; not in a homosexual derogatory related way."

Maura eyes me thoughtfully but then shrugs. I keep up with the hip and not so hip terms. I know I'm old but I'm not a fuckin' dinosaur.

"The pilots all have names that are or sound like signs-offs." Maura says with a detectable hint of humor in her voice. "I find that somewhat clever but also sophomoric."

I chuckle while reaching for my beer. I take a swig and its piss warm and all that's left is foamy dregs so I put it back on the coaster.

"Oh Jane, that nun reading a 'Boy's Life' reminds me of the time when we ran into one of your former Catholic school teachers at a bar. Do you remember what we caught her reading."

I smirk because it didn't shock me to learn that Sister Winifred was hiding some inner freakness under her angry half habit.

"I wasn't surprised it was a 'mommy porn' romance novel." I say with a chuckle. "She probably loves reading shit like: "And then Reginald put his gargantuan throbbing manhood into Shelia's needy and quivering love pudding'."

Maura laughs but then I feel a sharp pinch on my bicep. I turn sideways a little and lightly slap her hand away.

"Stop it, before you miss out on the old lady talking about hot young women."

"What?"

"Ah, and here we are at my least favorite part of the movie. How the two lovebirds met." I say while slouching back down in the sofa. I hate being out of my comfort zone. "I mean look at it. It's by far the gayest shit to ever gay."

I can see her frown in my peripheral vision and wait for it...another damn pinch lands on me. In the same damn spot on my arm.

"I swear one of these days I'm going to report you for spousal abuse."

Maura purses her lips for a few seconds but then she redirects her attention back to the movie playing out on the screen. She's wearing a deep blue silk button up tonight and damn it if I've ever seen her wear a color that doesn't flatter her. I swear we're siting so close together we probably look like conjoined twins to a window peeper.

"Those two children are the most mature individuals on that airplane."

"That's the point." I say with a smirk because the best part is coming and she's right about those kids but in a completely different way. Then the sight of Maura when the little girl says she likes her coffee 'black like her man' I can barely stand it. Maura's mouth is hanging open.

"Oh come on, I know you liked that one."

Maura rolls her eyes at me and then crosses her legs. I think one of the reasons she wears those pencil skirts is to torture me. The leather one nearly makes me have a heart attack when I watch her walk away. I inhale sharply and focus back on the movie. The stewardess is having her 'From Here to Eternity' flashback sequence. It was always my dearest wish that the surf would drown those two love sickening bitches but that never happens.

"Normally, I fast forward through this part." I say as the stewardess and her wartime pilot are covered in seaweed and gaze longingly at each other. Vomit! "Since it never fails to make me throw up in my mouth a little."

Maura looks at me and chuckles before settling back into watching the movie. The movie plays on and I get drawn into it to a point that had Maura's warmth not been plastered beside me I might have forgotten she was even there. But I don't expect her quiet to last with the next scene coming up.

"The man playing the co-pilot just broke character, Jane!"

"That's the point."

Another few minutes go by and...

"Why is the pilot being lewd to that little boy?"

"That's the point." I say since that's my default answer. I will not make this easy for her, the jokes don't play that hard to get. "It's called a 'cock-pit' and that's an easy joke for anybody with only half a dirty mind."

Maura chuckles, uncrosses her legs and then reaches down to remove the 'fuck-me-skyscrapers' footwear she wore today. To keep from paying too much attention to Maura I actually make myself watch the stupid little scene on the screen. I want to strangle that wet drip of a stewardess every single time she opens her mouth, except when she calmly talks about sitting on her favorite wartime pilot's face.

"I can't believe she just said that, Jane!"

"Yeah, girlfriend likes sitting on her man friend's face. So what?"

"How is this different from more obvious sexual situations that we've watched?"

"Because this makes fun of it, Maur."

Maura asking questions for a change instead of Googling the hell out of everything is exactly one of the many reactions I was hoping for. But there's still another half hour or so left of the movie and I don't want to explain all the jokes. That just takes the fun out of it-for me. But I can always count on the movie to keep it funny. I throw my head back and laugh at the stewardess and her idea of a cute little apartment with mirrors on the ceiling in the bedroom-no surprise mousey voice is a sexaholic. I chuckle and so does Maura. We both have dirty minds but I would wager my prized Ted Williams signed baseball against anybody that Maura's is filthier.

"That flight attendant has a lovely voice." Maura says with an appreciative head tilt. "Also she doesn't look quite so dated as everyone else in the film. Her hair style alone is one that is fashionable now."

I have to say that the blonde flight attendant is better looking too. But I'll keep that tid bit to myself.

"Thank you fashion police." I say while unbuttoning the third button on my shirt. I plan on getting really comfortable and providing a certain someone with temptation. "And clearly this movie also feels the urge to make fun of musicals."

Maura chuckles and finally the main reason I've watched this movie several times arrives. I love Leslie Nielsen. That scene in 'The Naked Gun' where he's charged with 'assault with a concrete dildo' nearly kills me every single time. But right now it's his character of Dr. Rumack's and his diagnosis is the reason Maura is covering her mouth and shaking her head while the pilot farts until he passes out. But really I lose control and laugh like an ass when the breasts jiggling like jello fills up our fifty-two inch screen. The real money shot coming up is when my favorite stewardess blows the autopilot. Maura's gasp at the smiling, bobbing autopilot's head is priceless. I have to cover my mouth to hold in my laugh; she's so distracted by the movie the questions and or observations have stopped again.

While the stewardess and 'Otto' are having a smoke after some good and life-saving oral sex, I reach down and pull my boots off so I can prop my feet up on the coffee table. Putting my footwear on the table is a big no go.

"And don't call me Shirley!" I mimic after Leslie's character while I slouch back on the sofa and prop my feet up. "I love that shit!"

Maura laughs at the literal doctor too. After a few more minutes the scene where the subtitles are explained is here. This should be good because of who I'm watching this with.

"There is no language I'm aware of that's called 'jive'?" Maura says and I snigger until my chest hurts. "Although, I get the joke that a white woman would know the non-existent language since one of the many consistent jokes in this movie is a Caucasian woman's desire for an African American male."

I have tears in my eyes! I can't breathe! That was so worth the wait. Sometimes a good movie gets better when you find someone to make it even more fun. The movie is almost over and of course Striker had to be pep talked into nutting up. I bump into Maura's shoulder when she laughs at Striker grabbing the blow-up doll to yank it out of his pilot's seat, after he put it there himself to fly the plane.

"Jane, it's rather funny how the inflatable doll can operate the plane so smoothly."

"I know."

Maura chuckles again, "Striker just misspoke a common colloquialism like I do sometimes."

I knew Maura would like this movie once she got used to the humor. She adapted to my humor after all. But I'm kinda disappointed that she hasn't launched into a nerd powered, fact-finding dissertation on the sheer ridiculousness of the plot.

"Are we to assume that the man in the control room who just fled with the others to the tower while shouting: 'Rapunzel' is gay?"

"Yeah." I reply in a drawn out sigh. "And they meant it in the homosexual kind of way. Not the slang term I told you about which means 'stupid'. And if that wasn't enough your final confirmation about Johnny just happened since he insulted that chick's ensemble."

Maura's chuckles and I can tell she's on the same page as Johnny in regards to that woman's dress. She would tell her it blows too. Maybe not with those exact words though. The movie rolls on and there's so many top notch one-liners, but my favorite Johnny contribution near the end is: 'Auntie Em! It's a twister, it's a twister!' That shit gets me every time during the fucked up landing bit. The only difference this time around is I'm laughing so hard this is the first time I've ended up laying across someone's lap. In fact I'm still laughing when the sphincter clenching music comes up to signal that the end has finally arrived.

"So what's the verdict?" I ask playfully while shifting to lay on my back. Maura looks down at me and those eyes land on the undone third button before tracking up to my face. I bat my eyelashes at her. "Do you feel as though you were robbed of the last eighty-five minutes of your life? Too many dirty jokes or was the nudity too much for you? What about McCroskey's inability to quit any of his many addictions; smoking, drinking, drugs and glue sniffing?"

Maura smiles at me, "For a disaster spoof comedy I found it highly enjoyable." She says as she turns the flat screen off with a flick of the remote which she always hide-hogs. "Why haven't you suggested that we watch it before? But having said that I still can't understand why Striker keeps having fantasies about World War 2 when the film takes place and is clearly set in 1980?"

I laugh and attempt to haul my carcass off Maura's lap but she pushes me back down. She chuckles and then I feel her hands in my hair. Every time I leave my hair down she ends up playing with it. I don't mind of course but it puts me to sleep on average about roughly ninety-percent of the time and while I'm tired I'm not exactly sleepy.

"I don't know why Striker does that." I reply while looking up at Maura. "But my best assumption is it's a part of the satire because the movie doesn't take itself seriously and...Oh my God, I just sounded like you!"

I did that on purpose and the result that followed was what I wanted-a musical laugh but a too short kiss. Maura pulls away from me and her hair is like a curtain hiding us both from prying eyes. This has been such a fun night and I think my revenge was pretty damn tasty. If I wanted to be a bitch about getting payback I would've had to find some sex robot movie where they went around saying: 'Protocol demands we copulate!' I giggle at my own thoughts for a second while I gaze into Maura's eyes like the 'Sally McSappy' she's made me into.

"Did you know that today is inappropriate Wednesday?" I ask with a smirk. But before Maura can ask me to clarify I throw in an arched eyebrow all smarmy style and say. "It's hump day."

**_END_**

* * *

**Soundtrack:** **"Italian Leather Sofa" by Cake**

**A/N 2:**** I hope everyone feels the need to rewatch the very anti-P.C. 'Airplane!' now. Only without the Jane-Lo commentary I supplied of course. I have one more one-shot up my sleeve to go for this so stay tuned for that.**


	4. Chapter 4: Episode 4

Disclaimer: I don't own, can't buy, therefore I'm not responsible for R &amp; I. I'm just borrowing the characters to tell a non-profit story.

A/N: This is officially the last and longest one-shot for this collection (if you could call it that) and it's in Maura's POV. Even though all of the stories have been 'suggestive' this one might be a touch **M-Rated** near the end. There you have been notified, you may now venture forward if you so desire.

* * *

**_Bring The Pain: Episode 4_**

* * *

As soon as I opened the door to my home I smelled popcorn and pizza. It's not an unusual occurrence but rather on point it's an event I wasn't informed of beforehand. I promptly decide to investigate as soon as I hang up my coat and replace my other accessories that I chose for the day. When I enter the kitchen I find Jane eating a slice of pepperoni pizza while popping another bag of microwaveable popcorn. I arrived at the conclusion that a second or possibly a third bag was being popped because of the large partially filled bowl resting on the kitchen island. I try my absolute best to encourage Jane to eat healthier and she does for the most part; now not being one of those times.

"Hey, you're home early."

In place of answering immediately I glance to my right and see that our flat screen T.V. is showing a rather gothic menu of some sort. The images flicker along with music that would be better described as dissonant noise bursts that has a faint yet deliberate pattern. Apparently, Jane intended to use her afternoon off to binge watch something she normally wouldn't with me and I caught her.

"Yes, I am. And I see you have what you call dinner, possibly dessert and some type of entertainment queued up."

Jane smirks and raises her beer up as if she's about to make a toast. I roll my eyes at her and she chuckles at me in return as she sets her beer back down on the counter top.

"Pizza and beer is its own food group and for entertainment I figured I would give 'American Horror Story: Murder House' a try." Jane says with a shrug while reaching for another slice of pizza. The mushroom side of the pizza is untouched since that's usually my side of the pizza anyway. "You know I like scary stuff as much as I like funny stuff and it's even better if you can combine them both."

"You mean like 'Shaun of the Dead'?"

"Exactly! Not that AHS is funny so far, but I have found some things about it laughable." Jane says with a wide smile that shows off her ridiculously cute dimples. The effect comes to a close though when she takes a bite of the slice of pure fatty carbohydrates in her hand. Thankfully she doesn't talk around her food though. "And for being knowledgeable enough to remember one of my favorite movies Maur, I award you a gold star and all the nerd stuff for extra credit."

I smirk while walking around the kitchen island to where Jane is standing by the microwave, the frequent pops of the kernels of corn being heated by vibrating molecules courtesy of blasts from the electrified magnetron that emits the microwaves or rather radiation really. I rake my eyes over Jane; she has made herself comfortable for the evening already. Her relaxed wear consists of a loose, thin heather black scooped neck t-shirt that shows a wonderfully teasing amount of cleavage to my delight, along with some of her old comfortable jeans. Those once dark wash jeans are faded more so in the knees from years of wear but they are still fitting in all the proper places. Jane is also barefoot which I'm enjoying at this moment because with my heels are on we are the same height for once.

"Have you already made it through a complete episode of the show?"

"Yeah, but not really. Just most of the first episode to see if I could get into it." Jane says before finishing off the beer she had been using to wash down the empty calories she's been consuming before I arrived.

"Would you mind if I watched it with you?"

"If you really want to. You haven't missed much just two kids trashing the house and getting killed by a ghost and then the Rubber man suit." Jane says before tossing her empty beer bottle in the recycling bin under the sink. "But I guess you did miss a truly special event which was the cheating husband jerking off after catching the new maid playing with herself and then he goes and cries about it after he got himself off."

I'm not all that familiar with the show, but I'm still rather surprised Jane has chosen a show with an obvious erotic element.

"I'm sorry I missed all that." I say with a knowing smirk before reaching for a delectable looking mushroom topping on the pizza to nibble on. I prefer such things than the crust which has a fair amount of endosperm and that's an ingredient I avoid as much as possible. "Did the cheating husband at least have a nice ass?"

Jane scrunches up her face for a second but then the microwave beeps and she goes to take the popcorn out. It smells like the butter and sea salt I reasoned with her to get when we went food shopping.

"I'm going to ignore that question. But you know what on second thought I liked the speech Jessica Lange's character Constance said about Hollywood having no morals." Jane teases as she tears open the bag of popcorn and dumps it into the bowl on the kitchen island. "Constance said the reason she passed on acting was because it was becoming a requirement for the actors to show their 'green pastures' to every man, woman and child; it's a crying shame you missed that part."

I roll my eyes at Jane again since that's obviously directed at the amount of nudity we've watched on the shows I've selected for us.

"Oh and hey, I just realized the character's got the same name as your mom, Maur."

"I'm sure my mother will enjoy that coincidence when I tell her about it the next time we talk." I say while picking up a small slice of a pizza with mushrooms on it. "Hopefully, the character won't turn out to be too much of a psychopath. But I do believe it would be safe to assume the show wouldn't be living up to its moniker if the character were a paragon of virtue."

Jane grins and picks up the large bowl that's almost brimming over with popcorn and walks towards the living room. I follow after her while eating my slice of pizza which is delicious. The crust is too greasy but I'm only going to have this one slice. After we both sit down in the middle of the sofa Jane reaches for the remote on the coffee table and presses play.

"You don't have to watch this with me. I can just take my goodies here and go watch 'The Walking Dead' with Ma at her house." Jane says with a chuckle as the show starts. "Even though she's just getting started on it, I still wouldn't mind watching the first season all over again. You know I'm not a Grimes fan and his kid Carl is a little weirdo and I don't mean the fun kind. Daryl and Michonne are the only characters I really like and they're the two most badass ones to be honest. Carol is pretty cool too."

'The Walking Dead' is the only program I know for certain Jane enjoys watching with me. I have come to appreciate it in a fashion, even though for Jane it was something akin to love at first sight.

"The idea of people turning into zombies is pure science fiction at best." I say while reaching for some popcorn from the large bowl resting on Jane's lap. "I understand the attraction for writers though to keep insisting on such a thing. Furthermore, I imagine the true idea for zombies came from the Bible since there are references towards the dead walking the Earth again. And I'm fond of Michonne too; we both know how to handle a blade after all."

Jane snorts, "Fencing still isn't a sport my dorky wannabe zombie slayer."

I finish the last bite of my pizza and then reach over and pinch Jane on her bicep. I don't need an excuse to touch her but I do enjoy reprimanding her this way.

"Oww shit!" Jane exclaims as I reach for the box of tissues on the coffee table to wipe my greasy fingers off. "One of these days I'm not gonna let you get away with doing that."

I simply smile at Jane as I pull out a tissue to clean off the three different types of phosphates and high fat content soybean oil that was present in the crust.

"Are you certain because you've been 'letting me get away with it' for years? I'm of the mind to deduce that you actually enjoy it or rather any form of my attention to be precise."

Jane sort of frowns but then pops handful of popcorn in her mouth as she turns her full attention towards the show. I will admit getting caught up in it is easy after a while that is if you can stomach the graphic nature. After ten minutes Jane voices her distaste on the husband's temper tantrum when his wife thought that having sex with him was high on her list of things she would rather skip doing, until she changed her mind. Jane said that putting 'the moves' on someone when they don't like you very much screamed: 'I only want you for sex because I'm a grade-A certified horn ball douche bag.' I laugh of course. It's rather amusing at times to watch Jane shout at the T.V. The show progresses and I'm highly interested though I find the Rubber man suit extremely disturbing since the ordeal with Vivian occurred. After the closing credits run Jane immediately selects the second episode without pause.

"Late sixties snapping, I can dig it." Jane says as the next episode opens. Then the next thing I hear is her chuckle after the 'blow Jim Morrison' line as she reaches into the dwindling bowl of popcorn. Sometimes I wish I had been blessed with her metabolism level but I'm not envious of her eating habits on cheat days or lazy days. "And hey look one girl there's a member of your tribe, Maur...'studious-geekus'."

A day in my life wouldn't be complete unless Jane made several jokes about my education. Or more pointedly my nerd status in terms of societies label identifiers and this being the third quip for the evening.

"That's not a real category for a species, Jane. But if it were I would be proud to say at least I would be amongst the well informed about sexually transmitted diseases."

Jane pauses for a beat to swallow the contents of her mouth because she's old enough to know it's not proper to speak with your mouth full.

"Funny and yet so very accurate." Jane says while we both watch a suspicious looking man try to gain access to the house on the show. "Oh man, I can't believe that chick just opened the damn door to that creepy asshole."

The next few minutes of the show are intense and gruesome. Even Jane's commentary has gone on pause. I imagine she's going through scenarios on ways she would've beaten the so called 'creepy assholes' face in. I do take comfort in her protective butch side.

"Shit, Constance cracks me up. Poisoned brownies and girlfriends got sass to go along with them." Jane says at the emergence of said character. "'Crazy glue a stick of butter to your ass,' I'm going to have to remember that one."

I laugh as well at the characters words. And because the saturated fat and fat calories in pure butter will not only raise lipid levels, but they will also not help any woman in the struggle against cellulite no matter what her age is.

"Clearly Constance is nuts, but hey she's got a super sniffer like you too, Maur."

"I would hardly compare myself to a truffle pig like she just did."

Jane chuckles while leaning against me. I never considered myself funny until I met Jane. And as we got to know one another she informed me that I was 'accidentally' funny because of my literal nature. Of course now I would like to think that when I do put in the effort to attempt to be funny I succeed to an extent.

"How sweet and downright precious...the cheating bastard is romancing the mistress. Why doesn't he just stick his insatiable wang in a vacuum and live like that for the rest of his life?"

I start to ask why a vacuum but it dawns on me that such a thing would successfully suck him off. I laugh at my thoughts which were prompted by Jane's sarcasm in spite of the current climate of the show. But my physical level of comfort needs an adjustment so I reach down and slip my heels off my feet.

"And it just keeps getting better." Jane says as I straighten back up and lean back beside her. "The deluxe model husband Ben picked a nutbar for a mistress to knock up."

I smirk but then intense music blares out of the surround along with heavy knocks. This scene is obviously meant to mirror the earlier scenario with the serial killer or as Jane called him 'the creepy asshole.'

"You see that right there is why there aren't enough door locks or reliable security systems in this world." Jane says before digging into the bowl of popcorn again. "But thank God there are people like me who are armed and dangerous but also responsible enough to handle a gun."

The show begins to deal with the three murder reenactors who are also home invaders with a head-butt from the rebellious daughter Violet. I suspect all three will end up trapped in the house as ghosts along with the serial killers victims. After a few minutes I choose to get up off the sofa and stretch. I notice that the popcorn bowl is empty save for a half a cup of unpopped kernels in my estimation. So I take the bowl off Jane's lap and head into the kitchen with it. I knock out the kernels in the garbage bin and then move to the sink to clean the bowl. The nice thing about moderately healthy popcorn is it doesn't leave a greasy butter residue.

"You're missing out on Constance being all cougar-riffic with her young boy toy." Jane half-way shouts and I smirk while washing out the popcorn bowl before putting it on the drainer. "You know every time I say her name I feel like I'm talking about your mom."

"Now Violet's sicko boyfriend Tate is pretending he's Paul Bunyan with the psycho chick that was afraid of getting chopped in half. Nice symmetry there in my opinion, Maura."

I chuckle at Jane's play-by-play even though I can hear everything that's transpiring behind me. The sounds of screams and crunching noises make me flinch a little. Shortly, after I dry the bowl and put it back in its proper place the second episode ends with Vivian announcing that they're going to sell the house. Personally, I wouldn't have bought a house with that much history of death to start with. I close the lid on the pizza box that only has four remaining slices of the mushroom portion as I walk around the kitchen island back towards the living room. Taking into account the size of our T.V. I can see that the next episode starts with a flashback from the early eighties.

"You didn't have to scrub down that bowl." Jane says as I approach the sofa. "I would've done it later. I'm a big girl that can clean up after herself and everything."

I laugh as I sit down next her and prepare to focus back on the show but then Jane makes a face at what's playing out on the screen. It's not shaping up to be anything pleasant.

"Yeah, he's coming on stronger than a drunken-horny prom date. Where 'no' really means 'yes' in their state of mind and therefore its perfectly okay to molest the help." Jane says as we both watch the maid-Moira-being thrown down on the bed. "I would've already kneed him in the balls so hard that all he could do is squeak afterwards."

I find myself afflicted by the maids cries until I see what can only be Constance strutting down the darkened hallway in stylish heels and holding a gun.

Jane fidgets beside me and I move in closer to her warmth, "It's official...Constance is a crazy bitch, Maur. That's a pretty hardcore punishment for two cheaters."

The show changes its pace again and Jane chuckles at the antics when humor presents itself. It hasn't escaped me that I've failed to kiss Jane this evening.

"Gotta love that maid." Jane says while said character is on her hands and knees washing blood off the floor. I can see everything 'under the sun' as Jane calls it. "She looks like an old woman to women but to men she looks like...a wet dream come to life that's very eager and so willing."

I feel my blood pressure rise when to me it seems like Jane might be enjoying the backside view of the maid by the way her voice dropped marginally at the end of her assessment. I understand the scene is meant to be titillating but for me it's not. The maid's behavior is highly over-sexed towards Ben but then Jane breaks up my mood when she laughs at the 'fetish ball' line.

"Right on time...the batshit crazy mistress is back and not a moment too soon. I was just starting to miss her."

I chuckle, "Your commentary almost always increases my viewing enjoyment, Jane."

"I'm helpful like that."

I nudge Jane in the side playfully as the show plays on. So far I rather like the show to an extent and it's not something I thought Jane would pick. However, the storyline is compelling because all the lies and secrets keep piling up while the erotic thriller element manages not to overpower everything else.

"Now that's an uptight anal bitch." Jane says while a flashback is telling the story of the house's original owners from the nineteen twenties. "I would say that the husband will end up killing his wife but he's too much of a junkie-sot for that to happen."

Jane moves on the sofa and crosses her arms over her chest, "You know they really should've subtitled this show 'Gestating Murder House' since everybody that's not dead is knocked up by Ben the boner therapist.

I laugh even as the mistress Hayden is beaten to death with a shovel. I should find that disturbing but I'm laughing at Jane not the show. With three episodes down I can't help but wonder how many more Jane intends to view. The only thing I've seen her sit and watch this long recently was 'How To Get Away With Murder'. I wonder if I should be concerned since murder seems to be a reoccurring theme with her lately. I smirk at my thoughts.

"Are we going to watch another episode?"

"Maybe one more. I can take it if you can." Jane says as she runs a hand through her luscious dark hair. "I read the show's synopsis and I wanna see the infamous nice gay couple we keep hearing about before I call it quits for the night."

I laugh while nudging Jane on the shoulder. But after three episodes back to back Jane announces that she's pausing the show for a bathroom break first. I decide to go change into something that I find comfortable but doesn't make me feel dumpy. I selected a green off the shoulder shirt and some yoga pants and as I'm walking back down the stairs Jane loudly informs me that in two minutes she's starting the show with or without me. I ignore the idle threat and go into the kitchen to pour myself a glass of wine since Jane has either grabbed another beer or has switched to water by now. She knows I don't like kissing her if she's been drinking that dirt water, even though I've taken to buying a brand that has somewhat pleasing flavor to offer.

I notice that the pizza box is gone off the kitchen island and the countertop has been wiped down. I do hope Jane didn't eat those last four slices to not be 'wasteful' as she calls it. Mushrooms or 'fungus' as she so often coins it isn't her favorite but I've never seen her turn away from any pizza really. I choose a bottle of wine and as I'm pulling out the cork on the bottle I see that Jane has started up the show again. A threat she actually followed through on. This new episode appears to be especially geared towards Halloween. I feel like indulging so I pour out more than I usually would of a nice 2005 Chardonnay, recork the bottle and then move towards the living room while taking a sip. It has a perfect dry, citrus taste with a hint of caramel.

"Okay, that guy carving the pumpkin is so you." Jane says as I sit down beside her.

I look at the screen closely and from what I can surmise we are finally being shown the nice gay couple who owned the elegantly gothic and haunted Victorian house before the Harmon's moved in.

"I find that an unfair generalization, Jane."

"Really? You don't see it with the whole Marie Antoinette famous French figures theme as a big: 'Hello, how are you? My name is.' "

I shrug and take another sip of my wine. Just because I happen to share characteristics with a fictional character doesn't mean that I identify with them. Meanwhile Jane laughs at the exchange between the gay couple that involves infidelity which goes along with the theme of the show but that's only due to the lines: 'Screwing that twink trainer' and 'He's a power bottom and he loves it.' After a few minutes though I find the couple's dilemma rather upsetting despite the witty verbal jabs that they sling at one another.

"Don't worry you're not Martha Stewart either." Jane says before leaning forward to retrieve her beverage off the coffee table. "And you're plenty passionate enough for me."

I really want to kiss her now even though she's drank beer, but then I notice she's drinking from a small bottle of flavored water. Once more I'm reminded that I haven't kissed her since I arrived home. Then just as I'm getting ready to act on my desire Jane laughs loudly at Patrick's line about him and Chad being 'Hallo-Queens.' I chuckle too since it was funny but it's short-lived. Jane places her bottle of water back on the coffee table, on a coaster of course.

"How can a person obsess over the color of apples that just float around in water?"

"Contrast is important." I offer while taking another sip of my wine.

"You are so that gay guy."

The urge to pinch Jane again is tempting but I choose to remain passive this time and watch the show...for now.

"A young gay fluffer." Jane says with a chuckle while she leans back in the sofa and runs both of her hands through her hair. I love it when she leaves her hair down when she's trying to relax since most of the time she wears it up at home. "Oh, there are so many jokes I could make right now."

"I'm sure you have more than two but less than a hundred." I say with a smirk while I lightly swirl my wine around in the glass.

Jane mock laughs and then grabs one of the sofa cushions and hugs it to her chest. I frown slightly because if she wanted to hold something so badly I know I'm the better candidate. I finish off my last sip of wine and direct my attention back to the show.

"Jane, I think that horribly misguided, emotionally stunted and depressed teenage girl Violet is actually falling in love with that traumatized boy Tate who is clearly one of the many ghosts trapped in the house."

"You know I hadn't decided whether he's alive or dead yet and you've just put a knife in it." Jane groans as she slides down further on the sofa. I simply shrug since it's been all too obvious for me. "And to top it off I feel like I need to smother myself with a pillow for a minute since you had to suggest that girl would be dumb enough to go all gooey for him. Tate's the one who was wearing the Rubber man suit not Ben during the old shove and stuff in the first episode that happened to Vivian."

"Shove and stuff?" I ask and Jane does in fact put the sofa pillow over her face. I can feel her rolling her eyes behind her temporary shroud.

A gruff muffled reply is hard to pick up on but I suspect that what Jane said had nothing to do with answering my question. But afterwards she pulls the pillow off her face, "Shove and stuff is what I call rough sex that lands you knocked up, Maura."

"Oh? That's rather crass but I see your point." I say while leaning forward to place my empty wineglass on the coffee table. "And as for my musings on Violet I also find it hard to believe that any person, no matter their mental state, would allow such emotions to occur. Granted, the two characters have chemistry though."

Jane sighs loudly, "Alright, this will be as close to speaking 'nerd' as I will ever get so relish these words: Just because you have great chemistry with someone doesn't mean they share the same desire to take it to the lab for some messy one on one testing with you."

I look at Jane sincerely for a moment and then laugh. I consider just grabbing her face and pulling her to me for our past due kiss but Jane is focused on the show again.

"Why are gay guys so much better looking than most straight men?" Jane says and turn my head to observe her more closely for a moment. She is showing some signs of arousal but just the mild symptoms. "Better grooming obviously but the behavior is the same. And of course one of them would be a cheating man slut. Although, the clearly straight security guard guy Vivian was making eyes at is...wow."

I laugh lightly, "Should I be worried that you still find men attractive?"

"Nope, I'm so gay for you it's downright frightening." Jane deadpans in that deep, raspy voice of her's without taking her eyes off the T.V screen. I find that disappointing in lieu of what was said but I hardly know what to say after what she has effectively stated, even if it was said flippantly. "And there's that poor maid again who can't decide which is the best surface to assume the position on for the fellas and probably the ladies too."

"I...so would it be safe to say that you find the maid-the way she appears to men-somewhat arousing?"

I can't help but ask even though at this moment the maid is her 'old' self and she's taking her mother off life support.

Jane discards the sofa pillow and sits up straight suddenly, "I see how it is. You wanna play, huh?"

"What? Play? I don't understand?"

"Oh no way am I getting sucked into the vortex of another Dr. Isles sexual health conversation about made up people on T.V. again." Jane says and at the same time I notice her eyes flit down to my breasts, before she grabs the remote and turns the T.V. off. The silence is almost startling. "But honestly every time that maid; who's name sounds pretty close to yours, is on the screen trying to get the men on the show to throw her down and fuck her brains out I keep imagining you in that outfit. I swear those damn garters on her stockings really turn me on but only if it's you I'm thinking about in them."

My heart is just racing. I feel breathless all of the sudden and I have every right to. I have absolutely no intention of chastising Jane for saying 'fuck her brains out'. Currently, my mind and my body would like nothing better than to go upstairs with her to our bedroom and do that very thing to Jane first and then let her do that to me.

"What's a matter Maura?" Jane says as she leans in closer. "Am I getting to you? Are you...turned on by my words?"

"I didn't expect you to behave this way after a simple show."

Admittedly, my experiments with subjecting Jane to oversexualized shows was to provoke. Her reluctance with discussing the subject of sex amuses me to no end, so I wanted to see if she was uncomfortable with watching it with me. The results were mixed; sometimes she just insulted what we were watching to my amusement as a way to cope with her discomfort or rather a lack of interest would be more accurate.

"Watching that show really had nothing to do with it." Jane says as she puts her hands under my shirt and my thought process slows to almost a crawl while everything else is hyper-aware. "And I think I should tell you that the next time you want to watch a sexed-up shit show; how about we just go for broke and watch some good old fashioned porn."

This is a welcome surprise and with that revelation I manage some clarity, even though Jane's hands are moving across my stomach with intent and purpose.

"I would be amendable to that. I prefer gay pornography though since most of the lesbian porn I've viewed is too staged and completely passionless."

Jane's hands cease their upward progress on my stomach and then she drops her forehead to my shoulder because she's laughing. That's not the reaction I expected from her but it makes me smile and gives me a moment to catch my breath and regain some faculties.

"So the sight of two hot men going at it does it for you, huh?" Jane says still chuckling but I feel her hot breath on my neck and I close my eyes in anticipation. Then the next thing I feel is her lips brushing along my throat and I gasp from the thrill that goes through my body. "I can live with that. I'm not threatened. But since it's close to Halloween I think now would be a good time to give you a treat, because I'm fairly confident you don't want the trick."

Endlessly playful and despite her reluctant with discussing sex Jane is very eager to please me. I've never been disappointed by her even once as far as our sexual relationship is concerned.

"Hmm, I might want both since it's coming from you."

Jane kisses me below my ear on the spot that she found on me, "You might deserve both since you haven't kissed me yet. I'm kinda hurt but not enough to be mad at you."

"I wanted to of course." I all but groan out when Jane drags her tongue across my thumping pulse while she reminds me where her hands are when I feel them sliding under the edge of my bra. "But you had been drinking beer and you know how I feel about that...aftertaste in your mouth."

Having beer breath for me is on par with kissing someone who's been eating onions or garlic.

"Keep your kiss then." Jane says before pulling away; her mouth and hands move off my body completely. I open my eyes and just as I'm about to protest Jane's left hand is on my groin and she squeezes me a little. "If you don't want the taste of me in your mouth, I'll just have to settle for the taste of you in mine."

From here on out I'm not going to passively torture Jane with television shows with sexual content anymore. I manage that unspoken promise to myself before the rest of my mind could do nothing but lend itself to fulfillment. Jane never fails to surprise me, not that it's possible for me to be bored in her company. After all these years it's still never a dull moment. Also, there is very little in my life I've ever been embarrassed about. For example, I certainly wasn't ashamed when Jane stuck her hand down my pants and felt my evident desire for her. I was even less distressed when she removed my pants and underwear in a calculated frenzy; threw my legs over her shoulders and then in no time made me cry out, loud enough for the neighbors to hear me while I climaxed on our sofa. I am embarrassed though to say that it will take a minute before I can move enough to finally kiss her.

**_END_**

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**Soundtrack: ****"Kiss Off" by Violent Femmes **

**A/N 2:****I had no clue a few months ago when I wrote the first one-shot for an awesome reviewer that I would keep coming back to this. My reason is insanity (just kidding). Seriously, writing this little scenario kept making me laugh and that's something I damn well nurtured. Lastly, if you felt like I left you 'hanging' at the end and if you want smut look to my other R &amp; I stories because I've already written it plenty of times.**


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